Americans believe that when the world ends on Dec. 21 (as the Mayans have claimed), the most likely candidate for the apocalypse is a zombie infestation. Zombies, however, and the winter solstice are the least of our worries. On Oct. 31, evil spirits across the globe will be released onto the streets of Colorado and wreak havoc on us. How will you protect yourself? Arm yourself with knowledge, and bring on Oct. 31!
Demons: And How to Avoid Them
Demons are the oldest evil that humanity has encountered, predating Mayans and zombies by several millennia. In fact, goblins, leprechauns, zombies, witches, and the Devil himself were all offspring of the demon class. How do you protect yourself from this everlasting malevolence? Sure, you may know some demons like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, Leviathan, and Lucifer. Did you know, however, that there is a demon that has lived in the sewers for more than 2,000 years, and consumes people while they sit on their toilet? … And you thought alligators and snakes were the biggest of your worries. Did you know that there is even a Peacock Demon that steals children? Beware of all peacocks on Halloween!
Vampires: And Why You Shouldn’t Fall in Love with Them
We all know about vampires from Bella and Edward. They are loving, emotional creatures that protect humanity in Forks, Wash. But what about Nosferatu? Dracula? Spike? Did you know that there is even a creature that has been historically documented as killing and draining the blood from a hundred times more people than Jack the Ripper?!? True story! History has taught us how to defeat the evil creatures, when garlic and wooden stakes fail.
Halloween: And Why the Rest of the World Stays Inside
The United States is the only nation that considers Halloween to be a major holiday. Last year, we spent more than $1.9 billion in preparation for Oct. 31. The money that is spent on costumes, decorations, and treats are tied to old traditions meant to ward off evil. America has fervently embraced the occult and dark side of human nature. Are we just more sinister than other nations? Are they less naive than us, or do they just not like candy?
Remember, there are worse things than zombies, Mayan calendars, and (*sigh*) a FIFTH “Twilight” movie.
Cory’s “Demons, Vampires, and Halloween” will be presented from noon to 1 p.m. Oct. 30 in the Longs Peak Student Center at Front Range Community College’s Larimer Campus.